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DOWNLOAD Æ Fires of Winter ó NEVER A VIKING S CAPTIVELovely and dauntless, abducted by invaders from across an icy sea, Lady Brenna vowed vengeance swearing no Viking brute would be her masterno barbarian would enslave her noble Celtic heartREVER A VIKING S LOVEYet Garrick Haardrad, the proud and powerful son of a ruthless Viking chieftan, claims her with a primitive abandon that leaves her breathless, igniting fires of passion that blaze through the cold Nordic nights and forge the unbreakable bonds of a fiery, eternal love A real bodice ripper Loved it Once upon a time, there was a warrior maiden of reluctant femininity who fell in love with the slightly emo but always badass second son of a noble family.But this is not their story This is FIRES OF WINTER, a bucket of dead tree barf that was cobbled into really cheap toilet paper, the sort of thing Eowyn Faramir would use to wipe their dogs feet on a slushy winter morning Truly, this is one of the worst books I ve ever read It s not even bad in a funny way it s just Really, Really Once upon a time, there was a warrior maiden of reluctant femininity who fell in love with the slightly emo but always badass second son of a noble family.But this is not their story This is FIRES OF WINTER, a bucket of dead tree barf that was cobbled into really cheap toilet paper, the sort of thing Eowyn Faramir would use to wipe their dogs feet on a slushy winter morning Truly, this is one of the worst books I ve ever read It s not even bad in a funny way it s just Really, Really Annoying To draw even the vaguest comparisons between Eowyn Faramir Brenna Garrick is to insult one of my favorite pairings in the literary universe and so I ve foundappropriate imagery to support my low opinion of these illiterate, uncommunicative knuckleheads Sure, it took an exhausting search through thousands of images in Google but after much consideration I ve settled upon the following representations Please forgive me for overreaching the boundaries of traditional romance Instead I ve drawn upon a genre completely unrelated to Vikings, horses, firelight beyond the scope of The 13th Warrior, Tolkien, Celtic myth, Norse lore, the surface of our little blue planet.I urge you to forget the image presented in that very pretty vintage cover by Bob McGinnis Instead, you shall behold the well deserved faces of our hero heroine.GARRICK Ok, sure Garrick s not green But his ineptitude as a warrior is matched only by Greedo s ineptitude as a bounty hunter Actually, I m inclined to give Greedo the upper hand in this little arm wrestling match, since Garrick spends the entire book mooning over mugs of milky mead bemoaning his poor broken heart What few times he attempts usefulness, he s kicked in the nuts by hillbilly rapist vikings, from there he crawls back to be flogged senseless by Brenna s shrill feminista screeches Even Greedo had enough sense to stay on the other side of the table Speaking of tables or rather, the brainz of one BRENNA Jar Jar Binks aka the most reviled creature in the Lucas pantheon He sa da cause of all da evil in da galaxy Intellect wise, he Brenna are on par with the thickest lump of wood that was ever chopped from a pine Even worse, both Jar Jar Brenna are the sorriest excuses for anything that s noble in heroic stories There s no wry humor they can t ruin, no moment of personal growth they can t kill, no pain they can t inflict with their lack of foresight, no outrageously over blown skill they can t claim before getting kicked in the face by inept soldiers of fortune in rubber suits or leather breeches And if you squint real hard, those floppy bits on Jar Jar s head look like flowing tresses So see, I m not as crazy as you thought At this point, I could write a summary of what plot there is rant about it until everyone hated me as much as I hated Brenna but no That s letting Brenna Garrick down too easy Without further ado, I present FIRES OF WINTER A PARODY IN SCREENPLAY now with extra drama, colorful metaphors, picspam BRENNA I m so totally a warrior My mommy died my daddy raised me like a son when I was little I killed a boar when I was 9 I will never be ruled by a man You hear me, world I m 17 I m unmarried I shall never be subjected to unfair patriarchal rulership I will never be tamed BRENNA S DAD Actually, no You ll marry the first available Viking chieftan we can find You ll do the noble thing somehow avert bloodshed crisis, because if you re married to a Northman they ll leave us alone.BRENNA I refuse I will never be tamed DAD You will.BRENNA I won t.DAD Go away so I can die in peace, dammit.BREN This sucks so much What can I do to avoid being subverted by horrible males the rest of my life DELLA It s even worse at night They put their organs between your legs make you beg for mercy.BREN Eeeew DELLA Ha Now you ll never know that sex is actually a very good time DELLA S HUSBAND I want to plow your little sister.DELLA That s why I hate her with the unreasonable passion of a thousand fiery suns DELLA S HUSBAND But I m nothing but a meaningless cog for interpersonal conflict, see I have, like, three speaking lines In fact, I serve no purpose but Viking fodder.DELLA Huh DELLA S HUSBAND Viking fodder As in killed by vikings Like the ones attacking us right now.BRENNA We must defend ourselves AUNT LINNET But your father is dead We are defenseless BREN I m as good as any boy I know strategy footwork proper codes of conduct for battle all the cool stuff that is un womanly.DELLA I still think those vikings will rape us.BREN Then go sit in a corner be useless, just like all women who do womanly things for the good of patriarchal society I, meanwhile, will do what s needed to defend our home from these murdering asswipes LINNET Can t hear you, honey We re being raped.VIKINGS Yaaaaar BREN Omg, why are you beating me at swordfighting I m a quarter of your weight have a flimsy breakable sword my father gave me as a lark ANSELM THE VIKING Too bad I was never going to honor your engagement, otherwise you d make my son a fine bride.BREN I will never be tamed ANSELM I will give you to my son as a slave Women with spirit are funny dinner entertainment and I think you can heal his broken heart after his floozy fiancee ran off with a rich merchant BRENNA I ll give you the silent treatment as a sign of my indominable will.LINNET Please don t kill her for giving you attitude She s always been a spoiled brat.ANSELM Yowza, baby Wanna be my bedslave The wife won t mind.LINNET Sweet I have the protection of the clan leader now.DELLA Hey I want a clan leader too.ANSELM Don t worry, I have another son.BREN I ll sit alone pretend I can t understand your language That will give me the upper hand as I plot to dominate your heathen society with my awesomeness Visual interlude GARRICK Dad, who s this hottie slave you gave me ANSELM She s the girl whose father I tricked into believing I would have as my daughter in law GARRICK But I don t want a wife You know I had my heart broken once now I m convinced all women are conniving, evil bitchfaces.ANSELM Don t you remember that incredibly vague story about your being kidnapped by celtic peeps tortured for no reason I decided to have revenge upon other celtic peeps as payment for your mistreatment.GAR Um Logic gap HUGH Shut up, baby bro I want to plow that bitchy girl Dad brought home.BRENNA I will kill you all in hand to hand combat LINNET She just needs to be treated kindly She s actually quite fragile inside.BREN Give me a sword I ll prove myself, you Viking bastards I hate this Viking homestead I hate this Viking weather I hate the smell of your stinky Viking breath I hate the sound of your heathen Viking voices I hate the color of your sleazy Viking skies GARRICK She seems rathershrill.LINNET Nah, that s just because her father died last weekend.BREN I ll stomp my feet demand to be treated with privilege solely because my name is Brenna I m better than all of you losers who can t understand why I m not behaving like a cowardly woman I will never be tamedVisual interlude GAR Shut up finish making this rug.BREN I won t.GAR You will.BREN I won t Rugs are womanly labor, damn you I m so insulted that I ll stomp my feet put my arms akimbo pull your stuff from your trunks throw clothes all over the room GAR But you are a woman.BREN And what do you mean by giving me a decent bed to sleep in food to eat not beating me for my constant bitchy attitude GAR This is highly irregular behavior for a slave You don t have much common sense, do you BREN That s because I will never be tamed GAR Oh, right I m big dumb ineffectual, so I ll give youlatitude than any self respecting Northman would allow.BREN Speaking of which, I refuse to drink milk.GAR Huh BREN Milk is for babies And children And women GAR I like milk.BREN Fuck you fuck milk I throw your milk in your face cry because you won t give me liquor.GAR I am oddly aroused by this tantrum Visual interlude GARRICK Now that you ve kept your arms akimbo for three days straight, it s time I raped you to show I m the master here BRENNA I refuse to let you try a forced seduction.GAR Why BREN Because my sister told me sex was hurty painful unpleasant I ve inexplicably believed her all knowing about this topic.GAR Sex is fun when you re both into it Not that I ve had any since my floozy ex ran off with a merchant I m so boo hoo broken heartedbut whatever I ll kill two birds with one stone break you in like a proper slave.BREN Oh, the irony I m not afraid of violence or anything masculine, but I m terrified of that which embodies my most feminine aspects GAR Aw, it ll be okay I won t hurt you.BREN I dunno GAR Lemme show you Visual interlude GARRICK Mmmmm.BRENNA Mmmmm.GAR Oooooooooooh BREN OoooooOOOOOOooh, that IS fun GAR See, I told you.BREN Actually, it kinda sucked.GAR Huh BREN I m a Strong Woman I will never be tamedI can t admit you were any good, because then you d be dominating me Instead I ll blow the smallest conversations out of proportion turn every interaction into a battle of the sexes, all of which is a set up for me to bend your weak will around my little finger.GAR Or is it Maybe I ll use your desire for me as a weapon against your emotional armor make you regret treating me like shit.BREN Nah, not really I just like your oh so manly organ.GAR Really BREN Yeah But from now on I can only relay that enjoyment second hand through conflicting parties Admitting it to your face would imply emotional growth acceptance that sometimes unpleasant beginnings can grow into pleasant contentment, if not outright happiness That s maturity, see And I can t touch that shit with a ten foot pole because I will never be tamed GAR I r confused BREN Them s the breaks, hon.GAR Screw this emotional stuff I ll just assault you without permission That ll learn you for abruptly deciding to weave rugs like a normal woman.BREN Ha, I only agreed to make your rug to throw you off the scent of my escape plan.GAR Curse my small brain BREN No worries I ll make a huge deal about erasing the tracks of my horse, but I m stupid enough to forget the dog as he s running along beside us You ll find me in, like, three days.GAR Awesome Let s be sure to make camp on top of a sleeping bear You can save my life, because I m an utter FAIL at Viking stuff like, y know, killing with spears arrows.BREN Sure thing, sport.GAR And we contrive it so you challenge for your freedom, but are still unwillingly attracted to your so called enemy That way you can be afraid to hurt me with your superior swordsmanship have a conflict of interest between your femine lust for my body your masculine desires for equality freedom in this evul patriarchal society Visual interlude BRENNA Cough, cough Sniffle, sniffle I r sick after running away being thrown in the punishment cell.GARRICK I couldn t show you special treatment, remember BREN But if you hadn t given me milk earlier I wouldn t have tried to escape Damn your milk your rug making your awesome manly male organ of pleasure GARRICK Here, take these expensive armbands gold emboidered gown to show how I m unwilling to share you BRENNA I ll just put my arms akimbo stomp my feet dare you to abuse me like a slave, so I can hold that over your head to make you feel emotions I m a shrew I m shrill I will never be tamedVisual interlude CEDRIC THE GROTTY KIDNAPPER VIKING Ah ha I ve been paid by a Mystery Woman to kidnap mistreat you BREN I just fainted from terror Thanks a lot Did I mention that I will never be tamed CEDRIC I don t give a shit.BREN Then why have you taken me CEDRIC I dunno I think it s some absurdly complicated plan for revenge that nobody cares about.BREN I see And you re naked becauseCEDRIC Because I m a grotty kidnapper I like to inflict pain on my victims Oh, yes I looooove pain I m such a sadist See, I ve got scars all over my body if there was such a thing as SM clubs, I d go every weekend to get my kink on BREN Your peen is enlarged Does that mean you raped me while I fainted CEDRIC Not yet I have an oh so convenient need for my victims to be awake while I rape them, otherwise I can t get it up But now that we re having this conversationBREN Yeah, I ll pass I m just gonna stab you get the hell out of here.CEDRIC You ll be wandering around for weeks in the snow, you know Just a warning BREN My lover will be searching for me.CEDRIC Nah, he ll hate you He hates me too It s some family feud thing.BREN You can t talk now, remember You re dead.CEDRIC Or am I BREN I can t hear you, grotty kidnapper Viking I m too busy wandering for weeks in the snow because Garrick his awesome manly male organ think I ve run away.GAR You ve hurt my feelings I won t forgive that See, I mof a woobie rake from the Regency than anything else I have yet to do anything remotely Viking like, so you can t really expect me to act like a badass claim you again, though part of me admires that you ve managed to survive for weeks in the unforgiving Nordic environment with nothingthan a paperclip, a pencil, a stick of gum.BREN Have I mentioned that I m pregnant Visual interlude GAR Really You re going to have a baby BREN That is what pregnant means And now I ve inexplicably developed a terror that you ll leave my newborn babe on the hillside destroy it like the heathen Viking murderer you are GAR I wouldn t kill my baby.BREN You would And just to prove how much I want you to go away, I ll stomp my feet put my arms akimbo ride around hunting pelted animals while I m eight months huge with sprog LINNET Uh, that s probably not a good idea.BREN Why not LINNET Because you re pregnant.BREN I don t care I m strong independent stubborn I refuse to do womanly things I will never be tamed LINNET ButBREN There, see I m fine I ve attained new levels of maturity thanks to this baby in my belly Look what I can do Oops, I just fell off my horse.LINNET Oh noes, you re having your baby prematurely.BREN Dammit, how did that happen Don t let Garrick kill it while I m unconscious.CEDRIC Ah ha I have returned GARRICK No, see, I brought him as a peace offering Show me where you tried to kill him I ll believe you didn t run away on purpose.CEDRIC I haz scarz like woah You can t prove anything.BREN He s right GAR Then you re still a lying ho.CEDRIC Ha I ve shoved you down knocked your head on a table Now I ll take Brenna again try to cross the fjord.BREN You leave my baby alone CEDRIC I don t want your baby, biatch That woman wants your baby.BREN Omg, no Not that really suspicious housekeeper I knew earlier in the story GAR You mean the one that mysteriously disappeared midway through the first half of the book The one that has a bastard son by my father wants him to overthrow my brother as heir to the clan CEDRIC Yup, that d be her.BREN Get our baby, Garrick GAR Get out of the fjord, Brenna Visual interlude CEDRIC Get in this damn boat, slave BREN Get off my leg, Cedric GAR Leave off my woman, asshole CEDRIC Stop kicking my face, bitch BREN Quit trying to kidnap me, idiot GAR Stop distracting me from our baby, woman CEDRIC Where s the boat going without us, dammit BREN I will never be tamed, boys GAR And there goes the baby CEDRIC And there goes the boat BREN Into the woods GAR After them BREN Quick CEDRIC I m drowning now..Oops, too late.BREN Nevermind that poor drowning man We need our baby back We ve got two pages left, dammit, I demand to dominate you into a happy ending.GAR I have him The really mysterious housekeeper isn t an evil woman she s just insane BRENNA That s a relief Let s go snuggle now, Greedo I love you even if you re a Viking bastard.GARRICK I love you too, Jar Jar Kissy kissy, snuggle woo.Epilogue 2.5 STARSWhen I finished this book, I was feeling like I wasted a day of my life without learning something.A waste of time This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers To view it, click here This was my first romance novel ever And twenty four years later, it has a special place in my heart Okay, this is a bodice ripper It was written during the I like, I take era when heroes did rape heroines I am not defending that, I am just saying that is what was done I was twelve when I read it, and I didn t understand the mechanics of sex at all I couldn t figure out what went where yes I was that ignorant about sex I loved the adventure in this book Although Brenna does annoy som This was my first romance novel ever And twenty four years later, it has a special place in my heart Okay, this is a bodice ripper It was written during the I like, I take era when heroes did rape heroines I am not defending that, I am just saying that is what was done I was twelve when I read it, and I didn t understand the mechanics of sex at all I couldn t figure out what went where yes I was that ignorant about sex I loved the adventure in this book Although Brenna does annoy some friends who have read this book, I liked her She was a warrior heroine, and I ve always liked warrior women She did what she could to protect her people If she sometimes acted irrationally, she was only eighteen years old, and saw some pretty traumatic events like her nurse getting an ax to the head The Vikings were pretty violent in their raids.I think this book awakened my interest in the Dark Ages and the Vikings I went on to read way too many Viking books until I got sick of the genre, and I rarely read them now But I do like to watch the programs that come on The History Channel about Vikings All thanks to this book I do believe that Johanna Lindsey did careful research In the years since, I have educated myself about the Vikings, and she was spot on about their practices in a lot of ways I can attribute my love of historical romance to this book I love historical romance because I love learning about days gone by, and one of the best ways to learn is with an interesting story to lead you down the path of learning.Garrick is a beautiful man physically, and he was a decent person, but I can t say I thought he was the best hero He was a bit of a golden boy type, very spoiled, although fairly good natured He forced himself on Brenna and then expected Brenna to declare undying loyalty to a man who had enslaved her and taken away her innocence by force Get a clue, dude Brenna did end up falling in love with him, and made a promise she had every intention of keeping, but was stolen away by men hired by Garrick s father s bitter ex mistress Of course, instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt, he believes she s run away again She treks halfway across Norway to get back to him, after surviving a violent near rape, half frozen, poorly clothed, half starved, and being pregnant the whole time, and he drops her like a hot pancake I was so glad when Brenna washed her hands of him And I was glad that Garrick had to earn her trust I do like a grovelling because he deserves it , repentant hero.This book has a really good secondary cast whose stories you care about The interesting thing is you get both sides of the story, from the invaders and the enslaved I thought it was really well done of Lindsey to present that balanced perspective I haven t read this book in years, but I have forgotten very little about it Although Lindsey newer books don t move me the same way they used to, she will always be one of my all time favorites because fundamentally, she really is a great storyteller This book is proof of that.So if you want to read a non PC, fairly accurate romantic tale of Vikings and the women they love, I suggest this book to you Hearts Aflame is about Garrick and Brenna s daughter Kristen, and Surrender My Love is about the super baby Selig who survived about every insult an unborn child can survive in his mother s womb and lived to tell about it They are both good, but my favorite is Fires of Winter