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This is the life I have chosen for myself. This book is the worst It doesn t even qualify as so bad it s good Dustin Diamond wants you to know that he got laid a lot at Disneyland, has a big dick he manages to mention this a LOT and that he s so super awesome and not petty at all But he s not super awesome, and comes across as very, very petty As for his dick size, it s not something I can personally verify You are on your own there.What this guy really needs is a kick in the balls and a halfway decent editor. Why I read this book In case people don t know, there s going to be an unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie coming up this Monday on Lifetime info here Yes, I was one of those kids who watched the show faithfully, cheesy as it was I figured now was a good time to see if I could dig up some dirt before watching a movie about digging up dirt.1.5 stars I have to award an extra half point for the speculated insight on Neil Patrick Harris whether it was true or just a theory is another story Why I read this book In case people don t know, there s going to be an unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie coming up this Monday on Lifetime info here Yes, I was one of those kids who watched the show faithfully, cheesy as it was I figured now was a good time to see if I could dig up some dirt before watching a movie about digging up dirt.1.5 stars I have to award an extra half point for the speculated insight on Neil Patrick Harris whether it was true or just a theory is another story This may be the one and only time in my life where I wish I could Facebook tag someone Ash, come out of hiding But unfortunately, there was too much missed potential There wasn t a ton of info dished about the cast What we did find out lead me to believe that Dustin Diamond is carrying a bit of a hard on for wanting to see his former cast mates fall on their faces Other than that, nothing really happened Diamond got laid a lot Big deal Most celebrities can get get laid I guess he must have felt the need to have to prove that he could, being that he was typecast as a loser for all of those years I will give DD some credit for being mildly funny at times Some of his snarky observations were amusing, but a few good snippets do not make for an entire book of good recap either Although, I have to admit that I laughed hard when Dustin recalled how the cast members all had their real life talents or interests worked into the show Tiffany was a former pageant queen, Mario a wrestler, etc and this was how Mark was recappedMark Paul, buddy, can you sing No Can you dance No Play sports Instruments Can you juggle No Do you have any interests outside of showing up here and gelling your hair Um, I do have this cell phone that s the size of a loaf of bread I like talking into that And so you shall, my boy And so you shallI remember that damn phone way too much.The cast in a nutshell Tiffani came off as easy, Lark came off as a silent weirdo, Mark Paul was not as much of a womanizer as I would have been expecting, Elizabeth was forever stuck in Tiffani s shadow, Mario was exactly how I figured, and Dustin was the biggest whore of them all Fin I hope the movie isscandalous I didn t really want to read this, as I had heard it was terrible And not terrible in the so bad it s good variety, but just flat out awful But, Saved By The Bell was a huge part of my life growing up, and I just couldn t resist.To sum this book up as succinctly as possible Dustin Diamond is a d ck Or excuse me, a douchebag , which is his favorite word throughout this poorly edited book Seriously, the amount of times sentences did thisor entire paragraphs were repeated was ridiculous T I didn t really want to read this, as I had heard it was terrible And not terrible in the so bad it s good variety, but just flat out awful But, Saved By The Bell was a huge part of my life growing up, and I just couldn t resist.To sum this book up as succinctly as possible Dustin Diamond is a d ck Or excuse me, a douchebag , which is his favorite word throughout this poorly edited book Seriously, the amount of times sentences did thisor entire paragraphs were repeated was ridiculous Too broke to hire an editor Dustin threw his entire cast under the bus in an effort to make himself look like the injured party Mark Paul was a douche, Mario raped women, Tiffani Amber was a slut and a bitch But then he goes on to say that he has slept with over 2,000 women um yeah, I doubt that and that he regularly patrolled Disneyland looking for a quick lay but somehow justifies this as not being the same thing that Mario or Tiffani did He makes sure not to name any last names of girls he slept with, except for someone who worked on the show that was 20 years older than him He makes sure to mention her last name over and over and I was thinking How is he going to get away with this Oh and then he tells us she died a few years ago I guess that means it s okay to completely tarnish her name and reputation then Disgusting And yes, I realize I could have just stopped reading But it was like a train wreck I couldn t look away from I kept wondering how he could get any worse, and then there would be a chapter about banging chicks on the set of Bayside.All in all, Dustin just came out looking like a complete jerk I m not one to say if any of his allegations are true or not, but I find it telling that the rest of the cast is still friends today amidst all these stories about them screwing each other and doing drugs together I think he s just bitter that he was treated as the weird, young friend and not invited into their cool circle and threw out whatever he could about them, lies or not I m sure the cast weren t perfect angels, but some of these stories were just ridiculous I also found it hilarious he continually commented on Tiffani s fat ass Really What guy or girl for that matter in the 90s thought Kelly Kapowski was fat These are the kinds of things he yells out about his co stars to bring them down, and it s ridiculous statements like this that make the rest of his stories seem so contrived.The only good things in this book are the mention of Monster Squad and Frank Zappa But I don t think that awesome movie and that awesome musician should have their names soiled in such a crapfest as this book.Okay I can t even believe I am still writing about this book Ugh I m done ( Free ) ☹ Behind the Bell ⚖ For the first time, Diamond presents the inside story of the young cast from Saved by the Bell that the viewing public thought were so luckyLearn the dark, behind the scenes story of the cast and crew s extreme lifestyle sex, drugs, and wild partiesPost Bell, discover how Diamond used his natural comedic talents to overcome being typecast as a child actor and how he reinvented himself through stand up comedy and reality TV Working in Hollywood might represent an American Dream, but for many youngsters it is a true nightmare Dustin Diamond is best known for his character Samuel Screech Powers in the late s and s on the long running American TV teen sitcom Saved by the Bell SBTB Diamond s new book gives readers the disheartening story of an ex child star Dustin faced serious challenges moving his career beyond his comic role as the smart, funny, and endearing nerd of Bayside High School on the show that made him an audience favorite Through his eyes, we uncover Hollywood s myths I couldn t help myself My guilty pleasure trashy celeb bios And it was my first one of the year Someone sent it to me, so I decided to read it I loved SBTB when I was younger I heard this book was nothing but trash but I read it anyway I found it to be hilarious Dustin just complains, whines and brags through the whole book He is a bitter, bitter man I do believe that what he says has some truth in it But he definately paints himself in afavorable light, which is somewhat u I couldn t help myself My guilty pleasure trashy celeb bios And it was my first one of the year Someone sent it to me, so I decided to read it I loved SBTB when I was younger I heard this book was nothing but trash but I read it anyway I found it to be hilarious Dustin just complains, whines and brags through the whole book He is a bitter, bitter man I do believe that what he says has some truth in it But he definately paints himself in afavorable light, which is somewhat unbelievable The references to his junk, I could have gone without And I find it sad that so many girls slept with him just to better their career How Screech could do that for you, i m still clueless but hey to each their own He does a lot of ranting about people who really didn t need to be mentioned But it was celeb bio trash so of course I enjoyed it lolI didn t hate the book I didn t love the book I read it very quickly and couldn t put it down I wanted to, but I just couldn t look away Believe me I tried His bullshit sucked me in Judge me, fuck you It was funny, and I like Saved By The Bell. DNF at 56%Why I Read this Book I watched Saved by the Bell growing up, so Behind the Bell definitely caught my attention.What I Liked The behind the scenes, day to day production stuff was interesting to read This is the kind of stuff I was hoping to read about when I picked up this book, along with who was dating whom and such I was under the impression that this was a tell all book, but it was mostly Dustin complaining and whining about anyone and everyone he came into contact with dur DNF at 56%Why I Read this Book I watched Saved by the Bell growing up, so Behind the Bell definitely caught my attention.What I Liked The behind the scenes, day to day production stuff was interesting to read This is the kind of stuff I was hoping to read about when I picked up this book, along with who was dating whom and such I was under the impression that this was a tell all book, but it was mostly Dustin complaining and whining about anyone and everyone he came into contact with during his run as Screech.What I Didn t Like Where do I begin There were A LOT of eye rolling moments when I was reading this book Half the stuff in this book of what I read was unbelievable That s not to say it didn t happen, but I questioned a lot of what I read I m sure there is some truth in there, but there s also some exaggerations as well I was left wondering how much of what I read was fact and how much was fabricated Then, when I was 56% into the book, I decided to do a little digging online I came across a snippet from Oprah s Where Are They Now where Dustin says that this book was ghost written that he talked to a guy the ghost writer a few timesThe book has some truth in it and a lot of the stories were just kind of throwawaysAt that point, I didn t want to waste anyof my time reading this book I was hoping for SBTB memories and stories about his cast mates, not fabricated tales you can t decipher from the actual truth Which is why I categorized this book as entertainment as opposed to nonfiction Dustin gives himself too much credit, like when he credits himself to helping Mark Paul Gosselaar with his lines, and thus landing the role of Zack How he Dustin received the most fan mail Or when he does give praise to his fellow cast mates, he has to one up themOne thing everyone was pretty equal on was memorizing their lines but I was usually the quickest Dustin also mentions his humongous dong a few times, and clearly he wants to make sure you don t forget that not so little tidbit of information And there s his sexcapades at Disneyland He brags not only about the size of his penis, but about how many people he s slept with and whereIs it bragging to say I ve banged over two thousand chicks in my life Maybe it is, but it s a factandI banged girls right on the set Oh yeah, that s right on the SBTB setAnd he had the audacity to call Tiffani Amber Thiessen a slut and Mario Lopez a man whore Ha One part that really shouldn t have been in the book and I don t even know if this is even fact or fiction was his relationship with the then NBC vice president, which started at least the kissing part when he was a minor she was 18 years his senior I don t care if this is true or not, what really bothered me was that he was publicizing this after the woman died So she has no way of telling her side or denying it or whatever He saysI knew I couldn t tell anyone Not a soul Not until nowWhy speak of this now, after she has passed on and can t respond to his accusations And lastly, there was one section, The Sniper, about Dustin and his cats that didn t belong in this book It had nothing to do with SBTB.Overall Impression Dustin comes off as whiny, bitter, and jealous He says in the bookI m not trying to paint a whole woe is me portraitbut that s what this book essentially is a pity party of one If I were to compare Behind the Bell to celebrity gossip rags, I d say it read like Star magazine lots of claims from unreliable sources that are hit or miss and you don t know what to believe.Review originally posted on The Book Vixen I admit it I was incredibly apprehensive about reading Dustin Diamond s expose about what really went on behind the scenes of Saved By The Bell I am a huge SBTB fan I watch the show every morning while I m getting ready for work I own the DVDs and I even have a manilla envelope of posters, magazine interviews, and other random cast paraphernalia I saved from my the height of my love in middle school When I found out that Screech penned a memoir that supposedly dished all the dirt, well, I w I admit it I was incredibly apprehensive about reading Dustin Diamond s expose about what really went on behind the scenes of Saved By The Bell I am a huge SBTB fan I watch the show every morning while I m getting ready for work I own the DVDs and I even have a manilla envelope of posters, magazine interviews, and other random cast paraphernalia I saved from my the height of my love in middle school When I found out that Screech penned a memoir that supposedly dished all the dirt, well, I was angry I didn t want to read it for fear that it would taint my almost lifelong love for the show I figured the book was Dustin Diamond s method of retaliation for 1 being on a show with kids two to three years older than him and when he s 12 and everyone else is 15 or 16 that s a big age gap and it s hard to overcome or 2 he s broke again and if he learned one thing out on the comedy circuit, it was that people came to see Screech and find outabout the show, not to see his comedy act so he thought he d just cash in My fears were unwarranted The juiciest cast details i.e Mario s rape cover up, Mark Paul taking steroids, and Tiffani Amber being a Queen Bee whore were all used in the promotion of the book Dustin s interviews with the press and him reading excerpts for internet videos The rest of the book details his sexual exploits, drug use, and how naive he was that people took advantage of him Diamond claims he s slept with over 2,000 women Really I know that people will jump into the sack to get ahead, but 2,000 women really slept with Dustin Diamond Really I m afraid for the future of our society if that s how low some well, a reported 2,000 women will go to get ahead I don t care about the first time Dustin smoked weed or how he showed up to a press junket incredibly hungover And I certainly didn t expect a chapter on how he trolled Disneyland for poon or whatever lame, hasn t been used in over a decade slang term for a woman s vagina he chose to use.Dustin Diamond used his roll on Saved by the Bell to sell books about himself I think he feels slighted by the cast and executives of SBTB because he wasn t the Golden Child even though he gotfan mail than any other cast member over 7,000 letters per week According to our insightful and oh so knowledgeable narrator, SBTB fans were tired of the same old story lines and didn t want any story lines about Zack and Kelly, especially the College Years Diamond even complained about how the Wedding in Las Vegas was all about Zack and Kelly Hello Everyone wants to see Zack and Kelly live happily ever after Get over yourself, Screech It s not all about you So, in retaliation, he babbles on about a few random behind the scenes anecdotes, spends several chapters detailing how childhood fame turned him into a sleaseball but he s thankful he never got an STD , and then uses the rest of the book to name drop and bash other celebrities Dustin, what the heck did Neil Patrick Harris and Ed Alonzo ever do to you, huh shaking my head If you feel so inclined to read this mindless drivel for yourself or you re just out to punish yourself, take note that this is a quick read I read it in a few hours I m not sure why I kept reading It was like a bad car accident You can t put look and keep looking At least I can say I read it and that it wasn t all it was promoted to be It isn t an expose, but a memoir of a spoiled child star who thinks he deserves 23 Word Review Holden Caulfield grows up and writes a book Actually it s Screech and it s not much of a book Best suited for MST3K fans Diamond s book is less of an expose andof a modern day Catcher in the Rye Diamond fits into the role of a grown up Holden Caulfield quite well He s angry, embittered and surrounded by a world full of posers, losers and dirty dirty fakes He, of course, rises above it all, watching on with an air 23 Word Review Holden Caulfield grows up and writes a book Actually it s Screech and it s not much of a book Best suited for MST3K fans Diamond s book is less of an expose andof a modern day Catcher in the Rye Diamond fits into the role of a grown up Holden Caulfield quite well He s angry, embittered and surrounded by a world full of posers, losers and dirty dirty fakes He, of course, rises above it all, watching on with an air of self righteous superiority as everyone else goes about their grubby little lives That doesn t mean Diamond is above the same behavior that leads him to label Mario Lopez a man whore Lopez along with every other cast member aside from Dennis Haskins aka Mr Belding is described only briefly and treated as a bit actor in the story of Dustin Diamond s reign of Saved By The Bell Throughout the book, Diamond inadvertently paints himself as a sniveling, embittered, petty narcissist which, again, dovetails perfectly with the profile of a grown up version of Salinger s anti hero Holden Caulfield The stories Diamond shares are so obnoxiously over the top, they beggar belief He brags about how many chicks I ve banged on nearly every page His exploits seem to have started right out of the gate, apparently thanks to his monster wang which he refers to no less than a dozen times throughout the book He focuses so intently on what a ladies man he was that it borders on the towns of Absurdville and Desperation Row.While Dustin doesn t seem too interested in giving up the details on his cast members, he was clearly a bit desperate to fill the 311 large font, widely kerned pages which make up the book He includes the entire prime time line up circa 1992 and, towards the end, entire paragraphs are reprinted right one after each other This might have been done by the publisher in a desperate attempt to stretch out the already thin material just a littlebut it just as easily could have been the result the editors just not noticing because, I gotta be honest, this isn t an easy book to finish.When it comes to the crew who managed to get SBTB on the air every week, Diamond goes back and forth between what seems to be a genuine respect for their work and seeing them as littlethan props He recounts the details of camera placement and screen snaps for several pages but, when he gets to the color key work done he sums it up by telling his readers There s probably some elaborate technical reason behind the job of color keyingBut I have no idea what that undoubtedly excellent reason might be Clearly, he also couldn t be bothered to look it up Diamond wants to be seen as a nice guy stuck in an awful world, forced into situations that left him jaded, potentially spoiled by youthful fame and fortune, but still a nice guy at heart Sadly, he succeeds only at sounding like a whining, self important prick He tells a story about having been wronged by an extra She insulted him in front of the rest of the cast and, to retaliate, he allegedly stole her purse and pissed in it while she was having lunch Because, you know, every girl leaves her purse behind in a common area where anyone could take it when she leaves for lunch during the work day That TOTALLY happens.One of hisludicrous claims is that he carried on and off and on sexual affair with Linda Mancuso who was, at that time, VP of children s programming at NBC Like many of his tall tales, the story begins almost believably with a building sexual tension that is almost maybe if you ve had a few to drink kinda sorta believable But then things take on the air of a late name Skinemax movie In an unspecified year Diamond is almost deliberately vague on his timelines several members of the cast and crew, including Diamond and Mancuso, were flown to an appearance in New York One evening, Diamond saunters down the hall to Linda s room Inside, her mother is asleep in an adjoining room and she and a friend are sitting on the couch drinking wine and watching soft core porn I shit you not that is seriously his story The friend apparently offers a giggly excuse and leaves the room, leaving Dustin and Linda alone After a brief make out session, Dustin leaves and the affair kicks off in full steam some time later He claims the affair carried on for years and until they simply and discretely drifted apart Some time later, Linda was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in 2003 Diamond admits he didn t attend her funeral and, for the reader, the entire story bears a striking resemblance to those boastful tales heard on the playground about a girlfriend or boyfriend a classmate has totally gone to third base with But you wouldn t know them they live in Canada Or it happened at Summer Camp In its own way, Behind the Bell a tragic tale and readers are likely to finish the book feel a small amount of pity for Diamond Then, however, they ll turn the page to find he has included three appendices to the book A Saved by the Bell Drinking Game created by someone else To All the Chicks I Banged Before An Open Letter A Fan s Top EpisodesThis final appendix will erase any shred of sympathy you may still be clinging on to desperately Dustin s admittedly very unofficial list includes 12 forgettable episodes meant to be a collection of fan favorites Missing from his list is the single most memorable episode in the history of the series, Jessie s Song which featured the infamous I m so excited clip He could have picked any 11 other Screech centric episodes for his list, but when you re making a fan favorite list, it might be a good idea to actually include an episode the fans have proven they love even 20 years after Bayside High closed its doors for good After finishing Diamond s memoir of his time on SBTB, I have to wonder if he may be have provided the real life inspiration for Kenny Powers The irony in this book is that being a part of a long running television show like SBTB is an impressive accomplishment Diamond has every right to be proud of what he, his cast mates and the crew managed to accomplish over the 10 years the show was on the air The way he tells his story, however, diminishes his accomplishments In the end, Behind the Bell is littlethan the incessant inner dialogue of a narcissist the world has forgotten